Yeast in a Bottle

Nobody ever tells me that I made a "nice bet" because all my bets are nice. NL Hold'em is a lot like taking a shit. Either take your shit, or get the fuck out of my pot. Speaking of pot, whoever's been pinching my shit can just leave well enough alone. Theiving fuckers.

You know, we've been hearing a lot lately, mostly courtesy of the 2005 WSOP coverage, that Ace King (suited or unsuited)is not a great hand. This is bullshit, and it needs to stop. If I sit down at another poker table and hear some stupid shit say, "AK is like Anna Kornakova, it looks good, but it never wins," I'm going to take a pair of plyers and a blowtorch to his anal cavity. With the help of a couple of hard, pipe-hitting niggers, of course.

First, the starting hand Ace-King is a FANTASTIC starting holding. Arguably the third or fourth best starting hand in the game. But this isn't about QQ v AK, this is about the fact that people don't know how to play Texas Hold 'Em after the first three cards fall.

Ace King represents one of the most difficult (and most common) problems, in my humble opinion, that you'll face at the poker table: Two overcards.

This kind of situation represents WHY people are talking so much shit about AK. The vast majority of poker players have no fucking clue what to do when they bet AK (correctly, even though they don't know what in the fucking fuck they're doing when the flop misses them completely. And it will, almost 2/3 of the time. Yeah, and the bad news is that the ten that fell? Yeah, one of the dumbasses that called your raise has one.

The other reason people are talking so much junk about my boy, AK, is that people are too willing to risk all of their money with it. AK is the kind of hand, that in NL Hold'em, becomes a much better hand the more money that goes into the pot. It's a good hand to play when you've got a feeling two people in the pot are duking it out with wired pairs. It's not a good hand to put a move on someone BEFORE you pair it. The worst pair in the game will beat the living shit out of AK (offsuit) around half the time in a heads up pot.

When someone's pushing you really hard preflop, and you're looking at AK, you shouldn't be pushing back. Unless you know your opponent, or there's something special about the situation, you need to slow them down, and just fucking call. When you don't pick up a piece of the flop, you fold. When you pair either card, the majority of the time, you're winning.

Especially in a NL tournament.

I'm sure you've all heard of the concept, "risk versus reward," but just to clarify, the concept implies taking risks to obtain rewards. Wow, pretty simple huh?

For example: I really want a ham sandwich right now (the reward). Here are some risks I would have to undertake to clutch the desired ham sandwich in my fist. I really don't want to walk to the kitchen. A meteor the size of texas could careen into the earth. Or we might not have ham in the refrigerator.

I feel like I'm not explaining things correctly. I'll make up another example.

Suppose you played poker and you had about 870 dollars for a bankroll. So far you haven't moved above your bankroll (the rule you're abiding by is 300 big bets in order to play a certain level). You need money fast though, and you move up to the next level before you have the bankroll to support it. You lose about 300 dollars in a day.

Well, the risk was about three hundred dollars. Now that it's over, it's clear that you didn't get the reward. It's like you got up to get a ham sandwich and the earth exploded.

What was the reward though? Had you properly assessed the risk versus reward? Oh, by the way, this whole story is about me. I fucked this up. Me. And I DID NOT assess the risk versus the reward scenario.

I was risking a whole lot more than I knew, and I hadn't even thought through what I was risking it FOR.

I think that a lesson HAS to be associated with every major hit to your bankroll. Make one up if you have to. This time, it means that I will never play outside of my 300 big bets again, but the real lesson is that you have to let risk and reward fight it out.

It's important. Don't worry, they're malleable, they'll be back next time you have to make a difficult decision. You just have to let them curbstomp and knock the everliving shit out of each other, and figure out who wins.

Here are some things I've learned about poker through losing very large amounts of money:

1. During every decision in poker, assess the risk and the reward associated with every possible action.
2. When a novice player goes all in on the flop, tell him, "Then give me a count and put your chips in the middle of the table." His reaction will usually tell you what to do. Don't lay down an overpair to the board in this situation. I've only ever seen it done when a player missed a flop.

3. If you are angry. Stand up from the table and ask for a tray. Stack your chips in the tray and go home. Being angry is not viable at the poker table, and it makes so much more sense to be angry somewhere else.

4. Making a pair with suited connectors in a raised pot is not good. Suited connectors are popular for reasons that most people don't understand (they're good for breaking people in no-limit games, much like small pairs). Get to the flop cheap, get a monster draw (flush or open ended) and break someone slowplaying wired kings. These hands are meant to play hard after the flop, not before. A pair and a gutshot is not something you want to put all your money on. Top pair with a gutshot and a 4 flush draw isn't quite as bad. All in all, suited connectors aren't that good.

5. Don't try to "Feel it". You're not going to, because there's nothing to feel, they're just cards.

After Seth's recent post, I got to thinking: What does he have wrong? Why is he intentionally misleading these people? Why is he so fucking stupid?

Well, I realized he just doesn't want to tap the glass. Seth wants people to keep playing the same shitty poker they have been for generations. He hates you guys.

So, in light of this, I've decided to give you guys the real secrets.

These hands are ALWAYS the nuts: J9, T6, 72o, and T8s.

If you fold any of these hands, you've made a mistake. Never, EVER, fold one of these hands, and your winnings will skyrocket. That is all.

And the Gods said, "Let there be History," and all of their creatures gained knowledge of poker databases.

Weeeee!

I'm still having database problems.

WHAT THE FUCK!

How am I supposed to play poker without stats?

and also:

Why doesn't our comment system work?

I'm not fixing it guys, seriously, but it needs to get done.

My stat tracker is fucking broked. Not cool.

As a radical self-defense maneuver, I have not played poker today. Without access to history, we truly are awash in a chaotic bath of neutrons.

Texas Hold'em $1-$2 (real money), hand #1,291,241,846
Table Breslau, 22 Sep 2005 11:23 AM ET

Seat 2: cjworks.com
Seat 3: Black-Hat
Seat 5: ScottyB 420
Seat 6: Mr.Thos
Seat 7: kma2u4now
Seat 8: Achetalisk [ 10H,10D ]
Seat 9: tarfful
Seat 10: badshiba
ANTES/BLINDS
ScottyB 420 posts blind ($0.50), Mr.Thos posts blind ($1).

PRE-FLOP
kma2u4now calls $1, Achetalisk bets $2, tarfful bets $3, badshiba folds, cjworks.com folds, Black-Hat folds, ScottyB 420 folds, Mr.Thos folds, kma2u4now calls $2, Achetalisk bets $2, tarfful calls $1, kma2u4now calls $1.

FLOP [board cards 8S,QD,5S ]
kma2u4now checks, Achetalisk bets $1, tarfful bets $2, kma2u4now calls $2, Achetalisk folds.

TURN [board cards 8S,QD,5S,3D ]
kma2u4now checks, tarfful bets $2, kma2u4now calls $2.

RIVER [board cards 8S,QD,5S,3D,5C ]
kma2u4now bets $2, tarfful bets $4, kma2u4now folds.

SHOWDOWN
tarfful wins $27.50.

SUMMARY
Dealer: Black-Hat
Pot: $28.50 | Rake: $1
cjworks.com loses $0
Black-Hat loses $0
ScottyB 420 loses $0.50
Mr.Thos loses $1
kma2u4now loses $10
Achetalisk loses $5
tarfful bets $12, collects $27.50, net $15.50
badshiba loses $0

Good fold / Bad fold? I don't know. How the fuck do you lay down a $27 pot (13.5 BB) for a two bet on the river when you lead out?

Here's one that sucked:

Texas Hold'em $1-$2 (real money), hand #1,291,597,750
Table Damman, 22 Sep 2005 1:52 PM ET

Seat 1: Newt-Fancier
Seat 2: JennyF81
Seat 3: tricki12
Seat 4: MikkoS
Seat 5: focar
Seat 6: leafs0506
Seat 7: SABEV
Seat 8: Achetalisk [ AD,10D ]
Seat 9: River_Axe
Seat 10: MrLammas
ANTES/BLINDS
Newt-Fancier posts blind ($0.50), JennyF81 posts blind ($1).

PRE-FLOP
tricki12 folds, MikkoS calls $1, focar folds, leafs0506 calls $1, SABEV folds, Achetalisk bets $2, River_Axe folds, MrLammas folds, Newt-Fancier folds, JennyF81 folds, MikkoS calls $1, leafs0506 calls $1.

FLOP [board cards 8D,7C,4S ]
MikkoS checks, leafs0506 checks, Achetalisk bets $1, MikkoS calls $1, leafs0506 calls $1.

TURN [board cards 8D,7C,4S,2C ]
MikkoS checks, leafs0506 checks, Achetalisk checks.

RIVER [board cards 8D,7C,4S,2C,10C ]
MikkoS checks, leafs0506 checks, Achetalisk bets $2, MikkoS calls $2, leafs0506 folds.

SHOWDOWN
Achetalisk shows [ AD,10D ]
MikkoS shows [ QD,QC ]
MikkoS wins $13.50.

SUMMARY
Dealer: MrLammas
Pot: $14.50 | Rake: $1
Newt-Fancier loses $0.50
JennyF81 loses $1
tricki12 loses $0
MikkoS bets $5, collects $13.50, net $8.50
focar loses $0
leafs0506 loses $3
SABEV loses $0
Achetalisk loses $5
River_Axe loses $0
MrLammas loses $0

Sometimes, at low limits, just calling down your QQ is a solid move. Worked for this asshole. I'm stuck at least 50 bucks for the day, at least, but I'm not done playing, so we'll see how everything turns out.

Rags can suck it.

I'm stuck like 30 bucks for the day.

I was bleeding like a.... stuck pig.

Let me find a decent hand log.

My last KQs went like this:

Texas Hold'em $1-$2 (real money), hand #1,288,171,786
Table Waterbury, 21 Sep 2005 12:32 PM ET

Seat 1: kwhister20
Seat 2: tianshan
Seat 3: mnlight500
Seat 4: Achetalisk [ QS,KS ]
Seat 5: Fifth Sin
Seat 6: jpinkc
Seat 7: IRISHEP
Seat 8: Elvis lives
Seat 9: ufudtf58
Seat 10: SHWNA114
ANTES/BLINDS
kwhister20 posts blind ($0.50), tianshan posts blind ($1), IRISHEP posts blind ($1).

PRE-FLOP
mnlight500 calls $1, Achetalisk bets $2, Fifth Sin folds, jpinkc folds, IRISHEP folds, Elvis lives folds, ufudtf58 folds, SHWNA114 folds, kwhister20 folds, tianshan calls $1, mnlight500 calls $1.

FLOP [board cards 4H,6H,9D ]
tianshan checks, mnlight500 checks, Achetalisk bets $1, tianshan folds, mnlight500 calls $1.

TURN [board cards 4H,6H,9D,AC ]
mnlight500 checks, Achetalisk checks.

RIVER [board cards 4H,6H,9D,AC,8S ]
mnlight500 checks, Achetalisk checks.

SHOWDOWN
mnlight500 shows [ JD,KH ]
Achetalisk shows [ QS,KS ]
Achetalisk wins $9.10.

SUMMARY
Dealer: SHWNA114
Pot: $9.50 | Rake: $0.40
kwhister20 loses $0.50
tianshan loses $2
mnlight500 loses $3
Achetalisk bets $3, collects $9.10, net $6.10
Fifth Sin loses $0
jpinkc loses $0
IRISHEP loses $1
Elvis lives loses $0
ufudtf58 loses $0
SHWNA114 loses $0

Not very interesting, I know. At least I fucking won that one.

Another hand...

Texas Hold'em $1-$2 (real money), hand #1,288,070,669
Table Male, 21 Sep 2005 11:48 AM ET

Seat 1: Smackdown42
Seat 2: SineMetu
Seat 3: RTFufkin
Seat 5: fuiss
Seat 6: Lauarvik
Seat 7: Achetalisk [ AD,QD ]
Seat 8: toyny11
Seat 9: tianshan
Seat 10: JJ Okocha
ANTES/BLINDS
SineMetu posts blind ($0.50), RTFufkin posts blind ($1).

PRE-FLOP
fuiss calls $1, Lauarvik folds, Achetalisk bets $2, toyny11 folds, tianshan folds, JJ Okocha folds, Smackdown42 folds, SineMetu calls $1.50, RTFufkin calls $1, fuiss calls $1.

FLOP [board cards AS,2H,6D ]
SineMetu checks, RTFufkin bets $1, fuiss folds, Achetalisk bets $2, SineMetu calls $2, RTFufkin calls $1.

TURN [board cards AS,2H,6D,9D ]
SineMetu checks, RTFufkin checks, Achetalisk bets $2, SineMetu folds, RTFufkin calls $2.

RIVER [board cards AS,2H,6D,9D,QS ]
RTFufkin checks, Achetalisk bets $2, RTFufkin calls $2.

SHOWDOWN
Achetalisk shows [ AD,QD ]
RTFufkin mucks cards
Achetalisk wins $21.

SUMMARY
Dealer: Smackdown42
Pot: $22 | Rake: $1
Smackdown42 loses $0
SineMetu loses $4
RTFufkin loses $8
fuiss loses $2
Lauarvik loses $0
Achetalisk bets $8, collects $21, net $13
toyny11 loses $0
tianshan loses $0
JJ Okocha loses $0

That one was good. I have no idea what his cards were, but it's this kind of dichotomy that happens. People will call with absolutely nothing, and sometimes they get there. Most of the time, though, they won't.

I need to take a huge shit. That's it for now.